Starting a blog always feels like a self-congratulatory gesture, and one that is inevitably doomed to fail. In my case, this is especially true - I tear into a new project, only to be underwhelmed by its inability to sustain my excitement. As a consequence, even my most promising online ventures fail to really...launch.
Not this time. This time, I feel this inherent need to hold myself accountable, to fully commit to the life that I am so excited to have. You see, with all the health challenges I've had to face (you can read about some of that here), nothing has been so confronting, laborious, destructive, and damaging as my eating disorder. If you existed in any proximity to me last year, you are all too aware how profoundly it impacted me. I worked hard to recover (you can read more about that here), but became a much, much different person - one that was somewhat arresting to behold.
Left - then (late Fall 2015). Right - now (Summer 2016).
20 pounds - that's the difference between the left and right people. I won't go into real before and after numbers, because I know that this blog will reach the hands of individuals easily triggered by such numbers. But it is important to know how vastly my recovery changed the depths of who I am. Recovery put into motion my movement into an entirely new person; someone dangerously unprepared to deal with uncertainty without utilizing an eating disorder to cope.
And let's be real: gaining 20 pounds is devastating for any woman in our society. Even at my most sick, I knew that the pressure women feel to be impossibly thin is complete and utter bullshit. This is not to say I didn't find myself personally victimized by that bullshit. Logically, the weight gain is less devastating looking back and seeing proof of how sick I was. Even so, I weigh more now than I did before my relapse. In fact, it's pretty well-established that once your body moves into starvation mode, it's really hard for your body to adjust to normal food intake. My body is just desperately trying to ensure I keep up the good work. So what do I do? I go the gym, I resist the urge to eat everything in sight (with varying degrees of success), and I try to deal with my new appetite and body with some degree of kindness.
But despite my body rallying behind the cause, it is a challenge to remain in recovery. There are so many things that you don't anticipate happening when you begin to get better, and the weight gain is really only part of it. The inability to use your eating disorder as a crutch while navigating stress has left an enormous gap in my personal resilience. On the face of it, everything seems okay, but there is a refrain of disordered thoughts that hums, quite constantly, in my head. It's much quieter than it once was, and I am able to deal with it when it gets loud, but I fear it will always be present. Existing in a state of recovery has reminded me that adult life, children, houses, and mortgages are possible again. But, the hard reality of recovery that what goes up can always come crashing down with just the most innocent circumstance. Also, fuck anyone that talks to me about dieting. Like really, the only people that want to talk about their diet are the people that have something to prove - prove that shit elsewhere.
Digression aside, the most difficult thing about recovery (even more difficult than my personal vendetta with my double chin) is the silence. A major part of my personal philosophy is that the way we talk about illness helps perpetuate cycles of disempowerment that alienate sufferers from the resources and treatment needed to discover their own wellness. And there is such a stigma surrounding individuals with eating disorders, especially when you appear to have aged out of the adolescent stereotype that accompanies the diagnosis. As a functional adult with a professional career, a very-much-needed full-time job, responsibilities in my community, and all the other tenants of adult life, having an eating disorder can be dangerous to more than just your health. Speaking up to raise awareness or just to provide some context to explain your behavior could cost you your job, ruin friendships, destroy marriages, and jeopardize the future you've fought so hard to secure. Not to mention, having to address the looks from people that knew you during your disorder, and are now perplexed by your weight gain, is a whole new circle of hell. You would think I would be lucky; many people just assume I'm newly pregnant. But alas, I'm just not deathly ill anymore (please note that was said with all of the sarcasm).
So this blog is, on its surface, a way for me to share the fun things in life that make it sparkly. I have been, on various occasions, accused of leaving a glitter trail wherever I go - at old apartments, friends houses, jobs, and all over my poor husband (who is literally, the most badass husband ever, and deserves a medal). But here is my chance to leave some rhetorical sparkle, by sharing the joy of my life while talking about a really important thing. To sparkle, you have to have the courage to stand out and shine. So, I will celebrate the fact that being a vegan allows me to feel good enough about food to actually eat it properly, and that working out every day allows me to continue to do so. I will not apologize for being a vegan, but I will share some recipes and fitness tips that are really special to me. If you're not a vegan, and you want to try some of them out, that's rad. If not, that's also rad, you do you (just come back and check out my non-vegan specific posts). I will also share #OOTD posts, highlighting some lesser known fashion designers and brands because, once in PR, always in PR. Also, let's be real, style is life.
At the end of the day, I hope that this blog, with all of its PHYSICAL sparkle helps to inspire some mental sparkle. I also hope that eating disorder sufferers will see in this blog evidence of a recovered life - one that is real, complicated by navigating the new person that recovery produced, but full of promise...and glitter.
Cheers to you, and Sparkle On!
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